Melting down

It's not about survival because that's easy. But where do I belong? Where can I survive? I'm not meant for happiness and not meant for love. No one is searching across a country for me. Anyone who has met me would rather just leave me or let me leave them. I was used to this, but then things get a little fucked up. But as always I'm not good enough. Not fun enough, not adventurous enough, not giving enough and too insane to deal with.

It will never happen. No one can love me the way I need that love and no one wants to try. I don't blame them. I'm a train wreck. Maybe someday someone will want to stick around to be with me. I'm not counting on it.

Affected and Effected

We have passed a half of a decade we are now entering the sixth year since my history changed. It was an attack against the country I hold a passport to, but how did it change me? Sixteen years old, I was naive even with the knowledge of abusers and bastards no experience could make me able to make this seem likea normal series of events. There was nothing normal about it.

A friend becoming more than a friend. Were we all looking for someone to turn to? Was it more security and less love I was after? The security I found in you and now that security is gone. Americans all looked to security. Marriages happened and realtionships blossomed and then six years later. What is the same? What security have you found?

My security has been in the death of a friend to the bullets shot from a sniper in his face and throat in Afghanistan. The loss of a boyfriend, best friend and number one person to comprehend my insanity. A best friend leaving the country and seeing her maybe twice a year. Boyfriends and girlfriends and relations that are more fuck and run than anything else. Friends in different places and lovers spread across the country. Art in my mind and on paper. Writing, writings, writing. Cars parked in driveways, haunted houses and missing people who don't want anything to do with me. Love. My security is in humanity and strength and the strength I search for in myself.

Positive people. Positive lovers. A certain positive lover. A certain positive partner. I remain affected and I hope to affect. I plan to be both the cause and effect to many different people's happiness and given the right inspiration and right amount of encouragement be the effect that can make a real change in this world that is now six years old to me.

Ripped Slips and Torn Panties

And now it's you that rips my underwear apart. And I never imagined what it would be like to love a man so much. Just like a boyfriend; to train, to take care of and to keep out of danger. Just like a child. I watch you walk and play and run and jump and wish for nothing bad to ever happen to you. So happy, filled with joy the tears flow freely. I'm so eager to please you and give you everything. You are so eager to please, but only when you forget that you are a baby. When you are a baby you need more more. And you do. Need me. More.

It's an interesting turn of events, you entering my life. Me entering yours. It's a forever commitment. I've never had a forever. You are too little to know what it's like to have a sometimes or "for now" commitment. And I don't want you to ever feel unwanted or unloved. Love of my life. You are thoroughly appreciated.

Emotional Without Reservation

Twenty-Four hours a day is the amount of time my anxiety acts up against me. It's no one's fault but my own. I have failed to learn how to take care of myself and I try to take care of others as well. At the end of the day, everyday, I feel like a complete failure. But I wake up every morning again as if the day will be a success. One day it will be. One day there will be great success for me and I can look at my reflection and feel succesful.

I feel like such a child, so helpless and so alone. I look into your eyes and there is nothing in your spirit that has me. There is nothing that exists for me inside your beautiful soul, but I keep looking. I am looking for something that could exist. And I pick apart everything. And I will ruin everything because I can't just be in this. I can't just live. I am in the past, the future and I neglect the present.

I neglect and ignore all the words you sya to me, all the things you do for me.

Lo siento, mi amor.

I was Queen and you took away my Crown

Sometimes, late at night, I walk around this new place that I have been calling home for just over two months and keep seeing these familar faces on complete strangers. I am not sure what to make of it, but I'm trying. I'm trying to figure out how I fit into this strange new world. I am a lone wolf. I am a loner, I am a rebel and I remain independent. Worrying about things that are far out of my control are thoughts that flow through my mind as I walk, as I look into the eyes of strangers.

I am certainly going through some changes and I am trying to harness my own reality. I'm floating. And you are partying. So far away from me and I'm here fending for myself. It's more normal than anything else.You need human contact, human interaction. I need human contact, I need human interaction, but when I have had too much I need solitude. I need isolation. You want, and want and want these tanglible things and I need, I need, I need the intangible.

Solo.

It's the only constant going on.

I date the same man. Not literally, not physically, but figuratively, they are the same every time. I have become adjusted to hearing the words, "every experience I have can not be with you or have something to do with you." Yes, it hurts and yes, it sucks and obviously I know that life is not like that. And men I love do not need me to be their everything. That is good. I can't be everything. At the same time It is interesting to realize they are constantly trying to grow apart and away from me. Maybe it is me, maybe I am some relationship killer. Whether I am or not I need to realize to unclip their wings or they will enver fly back to me. I am constantly experiencing life with or without men and I feel like the men I attract do not see how this is done and feel like they have to be free or looking for that someone better who "understands" them in orderto go on with their lives. That's okay, I don't blame them. After all I am a whole lotta love to handle. I am aware of my intensity and of my velocity.

Otherwise, I let them walk away. I put up a fight, but not a big one just enough to cause a scene. I want him back, but I can't force it. I can't force love or lust or whatever bullshit it is and I certainly can't make up people's destinies for them. You know where I am and I'll wait for you to figure out where you are. I hope it's here with me, but I'm not holding my breath.

Not for anyone.

The Solo Movement

My feet moved so slowly for the first time in years and my calves burned as I moved through the sand. But the view, it was beautiful. It was all worth it and the loneliness it melted away, because at that moment if I had heard a sound or if another human had made a noise my peace would have dissolved.

I've been thinking about some serious time away from cities, because cities are so heartbreaking and so full. They aren't even full of life, well, they are full of life, but not the good kind. The negativity that exists and fraudulent beings they all exist in these cities. Nature is fraudulent, but in a different sense because currently I can not translate its negativity into my own language.

The cynics are all unitying and they are coming into my brain. I hear their words echo inside my, currently, hollow head. I don't want to go back to my old ways. I want to go out into the world with open eyes, an open mind and a giant heart ready to explore. This, however, does come with some degree of naivete. I hope it doesn't get the best og me.

Thinkin, thinking, thinking...staring, staring, staring...into the outside world and curious to see where I fit I start exploring everything around me. Because for now I am a city dweller and I will make the best of it. I am looking at the way the bricks are laid. The cracks, when will they fall apart? I'm comparing a lot of inanimate objects to my own being. Scary. Maybe I am truly losing my mind this time, maybe I'm understanding where I am right now. I am alone.