Unlovable Again

Basically anyone who has been hurt or lost a loved one (not necessarily death lost, but just emotionally lost) knows that they process fucking sucks. I am finally coping with this loss. I am writing a letter of sorts to the past, present, and future boyfriend that left me to maybe get some of the thoughts that have been in my head out of my head and somewhere else. It's a kind of therapy. If anyone else wants to try this then I think it could be good or maybe I am just crazy and this is a dumb idea, who knows?

FOR PAST:

For all the late night walks we'll never take around our ghetto neighborhood.
For all the times I have to sleep alone
For all the nights we don't fall asleep together
For all the kisses we won't give each other
For every hug
For all the love we'll never make
For all the movies we wanted to watch and never will together
For all the music you won't turn me on to
And all the art we won't create together
For any camping trips that you won't be on with me
For any long car rides I won't be able to share with you
For all the thoughts I won't be able to share with you
For all the censoring I must do now
For all the memories I try to conceal

FOR PRESENT:

For all the back aches that you'll never heal me of
For all the head aches you won't be there to soothe
For all the mashed potatoes you won't be there to make me
For all the nights I wish I had someone to lie next to
For all the times I wish someone else could take the dog out
For every time I wish someone would give me a hug
Or a kiss, or even a shoulder to lean on
For all the heart ache you'll never see me go through
For all the pain that I have in my head
For all the things I'll never understand
And all the things you'll never understand

FOR FUTURE:

For all the late nights you won't have to be awoken by a crying child
For all the days when I just want to sleep
For all the exams and work I have to do
For all the money I'll never have
For all the tangible things I'll never have
For all the support you'll never give to me
For all the love you will not share with me
For every new girl that you meet
For every new love that you make
For all the times that you start to forget me
For all the minutes I spend waiting to see if you'll ever call
For all the events in my life that you won't know about
For all the school plays
Sports games
Fights
Friends
Boyfriends, girlfriends that you'll never meet
For a child you'll never know
For a life you'll never lead,
For all the missing I will do of you

I've never been very good at being a girlfriend. Probably because it's not a role I really like to be in. I know now that I have to be nice and not so mean, cold, and hidden in order to let someone in and let someone know who I am.

This is only the beginning.

My Own Worst Enemy

I have become
My own worst enemy.
I feel my heart begin to race
And I know
I'm about to lose control

But it's all so situational.

Looking at the big picture
Doesn't help but it tricks me
To believing that things are allright.

I have a man with no heart whose baby I carry
And another who's in search of a mother.

Neither is any good for me
I will probably love both for awhile.

I wish i could forget,
Have it out of my head for an hour.

It's more than I can take.

I traveled thousands of miles
It still consumes me

Wishing for more nights
In bed with strangers.

I'm good to sleep next to because of this
Getting used to not really existing.

At the moment I'm alone
And I'm my own worst enemy
Making life harder than it has to be
Fighting when there's nothing left

To fight about

It's all over.

It came in like a hurricane and left the same way
Destroying everything in its path

But I'm like a pitbull
Beat me, shoot me, leave me for dead
But I'll forgive you
And be, oh so, eager to please you.

Humboldt Park at Night Alone Part 1

Everything has an expiration date, but typically no one knows that date until it happens. As far as boy/girl relationships go, there is never supposed to be a set expiration date. Usually it comes when one gets with another or it just feels right or in a screaming match that ends with broken faces, broken windows and broken CD cases. Nevertheless the time is never planned because then the relationship is doomed from the beginning.

Sometimes love is not enough. Being far to young to even know what unconditional love really is makes it difficult to understand why some people do the things they do. But actions do speak louder than words, so if you love someone and then decide to never get a job and let that person support you and then run out on them, how is that love?

Another person to screw up my head and make it more difficult to understand how love is supposed to feel. Not one sided. Currently, I am devastated so in a few moments things might be different or things might fall apart. I'll leave that up to fate, but what I do know is that a person I love is leaving me to sit in my ghetto apartment in a fucking hell hole of a section of this Midwest city known as Chicago so that he can grow as a person. This translate to...so he can go somewhere warming fuck a bunch of girls, go back to Boston fuck a bunch of girls, go to Maine and live in the woods and bring a bunch of white trash girls into the woods to fuck.

I'm glad that's all been sorted out. I feel better just realizing how completely ridiculous, fucking selfish and bizarre he is and while I know deep down I love him, I hate him more right now.

Affected and Effected

We have passed a half of a decade we are now entering the sixth year since my history changed. It was an attack against the country I hold a passport to, but how did it change me? Sixteen years old, I was naive even with the knowledge of abusers and bastards no experience could make me able to make this seem likea normal series of events. There was nothing normal about it.

A friend becoming more than a friend. Were we all looking for someone to turn to? Was it more security and less love I was after? The security I found in you and now that security is gone. Americans all looked to security. Marriages happened and realtionships blossomed and then six years later. What is the same? What security have you found?

My security has been in the death of a friend to the bullets shot from a sniper in his face and throat in Afghanistan. The loss of a boyfriend, best friend and number one person to comprehend my insanity. A best friend leaving the country and seeing her maybe twice a year. Boyfriends and girlfriends and relations that are more fuck and run than anything else. Friends in different places and lovers spread across the country. Art in my mind and on paper. Writing, writings, writing. Cars parked in driveways, haunted houses and missing people who don't want anything to do with me. Love. My security is in humanity and strength and the strength I search for in myself.

Positive people. Positive lovers. A certain positive lover. A certain positive partner. I remain affected and I hope to affect. I plan to be both the cause and effect to many different people's happiness and given the right inspiration and right amount of encouragement be the effect that can make a real change in this world that is now six years old to me.