DEAR CHI-TOWN

"Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess.
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday?
Well, I've got something to confess.
She picked me up on Friday.
Asked me if she reminded me of you.
I just laughed and lit a cigarette,
Said "that's impossible to do. "
My life's gotten simple since.
And it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again.
I'm not crying out to much.
Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal.
Think about you lying there.
And those blankets lie so still.
Nothing breathes here in the cold.
Nothing moves or even smiles.
I've been thinking some of suicide.
But there's bars out here for miles.
Sorry about the every kiss.
Every kiss you wasted {bad / back}.
I think the thing you said was true,
I'm going to die alone and sad.

The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurt's me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.
New York City, you're almost gone.
I think that I've fallen out of love,
I think I've fallen out of love... with you."

RYAN ADAMS--- "DEAR CHICAGO"

Different Paths

And maybe I will go back to Chicago to live because I can.
But I won't be in charge of you this time. I have to give up my possession of you, like a piece of abandoned property I have satisfied the two elements; I am performing the act of abandonment and have ever intention of abandoning you.
You already lost me, so now it's time for me to lose you.

I never intended to be someone's baby's mamma. You were supposed to abandon me and disappear, not come back and be my possessor.

You possess my heart and I need to take it back. I am the true owner and I have the first right to it. I can't live like this...I deserve better than this and you have no desire to satisfy the things that I want.

I'm surrendering my interest in you. So you go your way and I'll go mine.

Unlovable Again

Basically anyone who has been hurt or lost a loved one (not necessarily death lost, but just emotionally lost) knows that they process fucking sucks. I am finally coping with this loss. I am writing a letter of sorts to the past, present, and future boyfriend that left me to maybe get some of the thoughts that have been in my head out of my head and somewhere else. It's a kind of therapy. If anyone else wants to try this then I think it could be good or maybe I am just crazy and this is a dumb idea, who knows?

FOR PAST:

For all the late night walks we'll never take around our ghetto neighborhood.
For all the times I have to sleep alone
For all the nights we don't fall asleep together
For all the kisses we won't give each other
For every hug
For all the love we'll never make
For all the movies we wanted to watch and never will together
For all the music you won't turn me on to
And all the art we won't create together
For any camping trips that you won't be on with me
For any long car rides I won't be able to share with you
For all the thoughts I won't be able to share with you
For all the censoring I must do now
For all the memories I try to conceal

FOR PRESENT:

For all the back aches that you'll never heal me of
For all the head aches you won't be there to soothe
For all the mashed potatoes you won't be there to make me
For all the nights I wish I had someone to lie next to
For all the times I wish someone else could take the dog out
For every time I wish someone would give me a hug
Or a kiss, or even a shoulder to lean on
For all the heart ache you'll never see me go through
For all the pain that I have in my head
For all the things I'll never understand
And all the things you'll never understand

FOR FUTURE:

For all the late nights you won't have to be awoken by a crying child
For all the days when I just want to sleep
For all the exams and work I have to do
For all the money I'll never have
For all the tangible things I'll never have
For all the support you'll never give to me
For all the love you will not share with me
For every new girl that you meet
For every new love that you make
For all the times that you start to forget me
For all the minutes I spend waiting to see if you'll ever call
For all the events in my life that you won't know about
For all the school plays
Sports games
Fights
Friends
Boyfriends, girlfriends that you'll never meet
For a child you'll never know
For a life you'll never lead,
For all the missing I will do of you

I've never been very good at being a girlfriend. Probably because it's not a role I really like to be in. I know now that I have to be nice and not so mean, cold, and hidden in order to let someone in and let someone know who I am.

This is only the beginning.

Humboldt Park at Night Alone Part 1

Everything has an expiration date, but typically no one knows that date until it happens. As far as boy/girl relationships go, there is never supposed to be a set expiration date. Usually it comes when one gets with another or it just feels right or in a screaming match that ends with broken faces, broken windows and broken CD cases. Nevertheless the time is never planned because then the relationship is doomed from the beginning.

Sometimes love is not enough. Being far to young to even know what unconditional love really is makes it difficult to understand why some people do the things they do. But actions do speak louder than words, so if you love someone and then decide to never get a job and let that person support you and then run out on them, how is that love?

Another person to screw up my head and make it more difficult to understand how love is supposed to feel. Not one sided. Currently, I am devastated so in a few moments things might be different or things might fall apart. I'll leave that up to fate, but what I do know is that a person I love is leaving me to sit in my ghetto apartment in a fucking hell hole of a section of this Midwest city known as Chicago so that he can grow as a person. This translate to...so he can go somewhere warming fuck a bunch of girls, go back to Boston fuck a bunch of girls, go to Maine and live in the woods and bring a bunch of white trash girls into the woods to fuck.

I'm glad that's all been sorted out. I feel better just realizing how completely ridiculous, fucking selfish and bizarre he is and while I know deep down I love him, I hate him more right now.