three Interviews mean I deserve a magarita night

it seems that the economy of the country has lines at unemployment offices wrapping around the building. i am sending resumes and cover letters to many different organizations and companies. looking for something that will make me happy and make some dollars. i'd prefer something fulfilling, but right now a job is the only requirement.

i have a child to think about. so why have i been acting so selfishly lately? i've been acting more selfishly than i ever have... i need to stop and prioritize my life. if i just get a job i believe that my selfish ways will end. i also need to stop being so hung up on someone who doesn't feel the same way i feel about him. it makes no sense why i continue to want someone who doesn't want me back. i deserve to get in return what i give out to another.

i want to be a good example for my daughter. right now i am a shitty example of a woman. i keep thinking that tomorrow i will be stronger. tomorrow i will make my recovery. today is tomorrow.

DEAR CHI-TOWN

"Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess.
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday?
Well, I've got something to confess.
She picked me up on Friday.
Asked me if she reminded me of you.
I just laughed and lit a cigarette,
Said "that's impossible to do. "
My life's gotten simple since.
And it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again.
I'm not crying out to much.
Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal.
Think about you lying there.
And those blankets lie so still.
Nothing breathes here in the cold.
Nothing moves or even smiles.
I've been thinking some of suicide.
But there's bars out here for miles.
Sorry about the every kiss.
Every kiss you wasted {bad / back}.
I think the thing you said was true,
I'm going to die alone and sad.

The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurt's me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.
New York City, you're almost gone.
I think that I've fallen out of love,
I think I've fallen out of love... with you."

RYAN ADAMS--- "DEAR CHICAGO"

Different Paths

And maybe I will go back to Chicago to live because I can.
But I won't be in charge of you this time. I have to give up my possession of you, like a piece of abandoned property I have satisfied the two elements; I am performing the act of abandonment and have ever intention of abandoning you.
You already lost me, so now it's time for me to lose you.

I never intended to be someone's baby's mamma. You were supposed to abandon me and disappear, not come back and be my possessor.

You possess my heart and I need to take it back. I am the true owner and I have the first right to it. I can't live like this...I deserve better than this and you have no desire to satisfy the things that I want.

I'm surrendering my interest in you. So you go your way and I'll go mine.

The Ugliness

Human beings are ugly. Myself very included.
It makes no sense why we treat one another the way that we do.
It's as if we want to all be forever alone.

Maybe that is the solution.

Everyone is all alone and that's unbearable, but so comforting.
You want a model. Fewer brain cells.
Less to worry about.
Less to satisfy.

Sounds like what you are looking for.

Responsibility to some degree comes with living, so I guess dying is the only real solution here.

The world is oh-so ugly. Reality disgusts me.
Maybe I don't live in the real world.
Maybe I'm in some fictious-figment of my own imagination.

For now, it's okay.

But I'm still so full of ugliness.
At least you have something beautiful to look at now.

Unlovable Again

Basically anyone who has been hurt or lost a loved one (not necessarily death lost, but just emotionally lost) knows that they process fucking sucks. I am finally coping with this loss. I am writing a letter of sorts to the past, present, and future boyfriend that left me to maybe get some of the thoughts that have been in my head out of my head and somewhere else. It's a kind of therapy. If anyone else wants to try this then I think it could be good or maybe I am just crazy and this is a dumb idea, who knows?

FOR PAST:

For all the late night walks we'll never take around our ghetto neighborhood.
For all the times I have to sleep alone
For all the nights we don't fall asleep together
For all the kisses we won't give each other
For every hug
For all the love we'll never make
For all the movies we wanted to watch and never will together
For all the music you won't turn me on to
And all the art we won't create together
For any camping trips that you won't be on with me
For any long car rides I won't be able to share with you
For all the thoughts I won't be able to share with you
For all the censoring I must do now
For all the memories I try to conceal

FOR PRESENT:

For all the back aches that you'll never heal me of
For all the head aches you won't be there to soothe
For all the mashed potatoes you won't be there to make me
For all the nights I wish I had someone to lie next to
For all the times I wish someone else could take the dog out
For every time I wish someone would give me a hug
Or a kiss, or even a shoulder to lean on
For all the heart ache you'll never see me go through
For all the pain that I have in my head
For all the things I'll never understand
And all the things you'll never understand

FOR FUTURE:

For all the late nights you won't have to be awoken by a crying child
For all the days when I just want to sleep
For all the exams and work I have to do
For all the money I'll never have
For all the tangible things I'll never have
For all the support you'll never give to me
For all the love you will not share with me
For every new girl that you meet
For every new love that you make
For all the times that you start to forget me
For all the minutes I spend waiting to see if you'll ever call
For all the events in my life that you won't know about
For all the school plays
Sports games
Fights
Friends
Boyfriends, girlfriends that you'll never meet
For a child you'll never know
For a life you'll never lead,
For all the missing I will do of you

I've never been very good at being a girlfriend. Probably because it's not a role I really like to be in. I know now that I have to be nice and not so mean, cold, and hidden in order to let someone in and let someone know who I am.

This is only the beginning.