three Interviews mean I deserve a magarita night

it seems that the economy of the country has lines at unemployment offices wrapping around the building. i am sending resumes and cover letters to many different organizations and companies. looking for something that will make me happy and make some dollars. i'd prefer something fulfilling, but right now a job is the only requirement.

i have a child to think about. so why have i been acting so selfishly lately? i've been acting more selfishly than i ever have... i need to stop and prioritize my life. if i just get a job i believe that my selfish ways will end. i also need to stop being so hung up on someone who doesn't feel the same way i feel about him. it makes no sense why i continue to want someone who doesn't want me back. i deserve to get in return what i give out to another.

i want to be a good example for my daughter. right now i am a shitty example of a woman. i keep thinking that tomorrow i will be stronger. tomorrow i will make my recovery. today is tomorrow.

With clipped wings, I still attempt flight.
No encouragement from you now.
The lack of hope acts like gasoline, and I am fueled

Without you, my clipped wings have the chance to regrow.

From the depths of your fruitless soul I can complete my task,
Because there is so much more to the world, so much more to humanity than mere survival.

this day

since i am not wanted because i am a package deal,
i simply do not want.

DEAR CHI-TOWN

"Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess.
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday?
Well, I've got something to confess.
She picked me up on Friday.
Asked me if she reminded me of you.
I just laughed and lit a cigarette,
Said "that's impossible to do. "
My life's gotten simple since.
And it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again.
I'm not crying out to much.
Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal.
Think about you lying there.
And those blankets lie so still.
Nothing breathes here in the cold.
Nothing moves or even smiles.
I've been thinking some of suicide.
But there's bars out here for miles.
Sorry about the every kiss.
Every kiss you wasted {bad / back}.
I think the thing you said was true,
I'm going to die alone and sad.

The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurt's me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.
New York City, you're almost gone.
I think that I've fallen out of love,
I think I've fallen out of love... with you."

RYAN ADAMS--- "DEAR CHICAGO"

"it's funny how i can get anything i want in an instant on the internet...but can't get anything i want in life." -Shamara Jones

P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C would look great tattooed on my knuckles,

But I'm not going to do it because like everything else, it would fail to make any dent to you and your superiority complex. The good thing is that I don't feel entirely ridiculous anymore, just mostly. And my need to jump out of a 54th floor window has ceased for the time being. I'll wait until the weather warms up again before contemplating suicide. I would rather my last moments be warm. Every human being wants to feel safe. If i knew how to approach that feeling maybe I could find a way to embrace it. But the light at the end of my tunnel, once again, has been turned off. So for now I will keeping waking up each morning into the same daunting routine in hopes that one day either I won't wake up or that the day will bring something entirely out of the ordinary and something new for me to take part in.

Futile Self-Relexivity Points

With the chill in the air I am taken back to the times I can barely remember. It hurts to stretch the memory in the ways I've been trying to remember me and you. Thinking of memories or am I making them up?
The good, the bad, the "I thought so unforgettable," have almost all been forgotten. But there was a time when I thought us being apart meant the end of world.
Weird, the world kept on going. As it always does, as it always will.
I found the T-Shirt you sent yourself to me in and it's yellow now. It was white nearly a decade ago, but now it's like a wedding dress from some woman's past relationship. Tossed aside, shoved in the back of a closet that has since been filled with new, semi-happier memories.
I found the words you once thought down to paper and realized that those words mean almost nothing now and the person you are now wouldn't recognize the person that wrote those words. If you tried to look your past self in the eyes you would be looking at a stranger. But then again, if you're current eyes were looking into my current eyes we would not understand.
To think there was a time when you were the only person in the world who understood me, but now, while you think you still do, we are both so far gone...