Futile Self-Relexivity Points

With the chill in the air I am taken back to the times I can barely remember. It hurts to stretch the memory in the ways I've been trying to remember me and you. Thinking of memories or am I making them up?
The good, the bad, the "I thought so unforgettable," have almost all been forgotten. But there was a time when I thought us being apart meant the end of world.
Weird, the world kept on going. As it always does, as it always will.
I found the T-Shirt you sent yourself to me in and it's yellow now. It was white nearly a decade ago, but now it's like a wedding dress from some woman's past relationship. Tossed aside, shoved in the back of a closet that has since been filled with new, semi-happier memories.
I found the words you once thought down to paper and realized that those words mean almost nothing now and the person you are now wouldn't recognize the person that wrote those words. If you tried to look your past self in the eyes you would be looking at a stranger. But then again, if you're current eyes were looking into my current eyes we would not understand.
To think there was a time when you were the only person in the world who understood me, but now, while you think you still do, we are both so far gone...

Different Paths

And maybe I will go back to Chicago to live because I can.
But I won't be in charge of you this time. I have to give up my possession of you, like a piece of abandoned property I have satisfied the two elements; I am performing the act of abandonment and have ever intention of abandoning you.
You already lost me, so now it's time for me to lose you.

I never intended to be someone's baby's mamma. You were supposed to abandon me and disappear, not come back and be my possessor.

You possess my heart and I need to take it back. I am the true owner and I have the first right to it. I can't live like this...I deserve better than this and you have no desire to satisfy the things that I want.

I'm surrendering my interest in you. So you go your way and I'll go mine.

Led Zeppelin Songs

He says, "I'm a renegade, that's why."

And my eyes roll in the back of my head once again. I look down and see what we made and think to myself, "what the hell have I done?"

And I think about all the freedom that you have...and all the responsibilities that I have and the things you get to enjoy for moments, hours, but nothing more. All the girls you get to date. How nice it would be to be taken out somewhere...I haven't been on a date in well over a year and a half.

No sight in the near future for this either.

You think you know what lonely feels like. Too bad that isn't even on your radar.
And when I'm at the most lonesome point and look to someone...no one is there. But it's my fault for not being self-reliant.

I am looking for change, but I'm looking for change in the wrong human-being. I'm wishing that you'd change. You'd want to be with me. Not owned, not required, but with me, a partner...an equal.

But this change that I look for in you is not something that is anything to hold onto and what I need to do is look for change in myself.

The Ugliness

Human beings are ugly. Myself very included.
It makes no sense why we treat one another the way that we do.
It's as if we want to all be forever alone.

Maybe that is the solution.

Everyone is all alone and that's unbearable, but so comforting.
You want a model. Fewer brain cells.
Less to worry about.
Less to satisfy.

Sounds like what you are looking for.

Responsibility to some degree comes with living, so I guess dying is the only real solution here.

The world is oh-so ugly. Reality disgusts me.
Maybe I don't live in the real world.
Maybe I'm in some fictious-figment of my own imagination.

For now, it's okay.

But I'm still so full of ugliness.
At least you have something beautiful to look at now.

Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'.

Today I watched the news and it said that Exxon/Mobil had a huge increase in their profits.

"Now isn't that interesting," I thought after reading through my credit card statement and saw that the only item on there was gasoline and it was for the month of July and the total amounted to over $300.

$300...some may not even think that is too outrageous, but for someone who rarely drives, rarely does much of anything...it's a lot.

Another interesting current event is the number of Amber Alerts in the Massachusetts area.
What is it about summer that makes people crazy and makes non-custodial parents steal children from the custodial parent?

I have no answer for this one. I am soon-to-be, but not yet a parent.

This is a silly post. No one reads these posts anyway, but it is fun to type and write even if it's to no one.

I don't have a whole lot of people to share my thoughts with and I doubt anyone really cares about my thoughts.

Back to final studying. I can not wait until 7 p.m. today. At that time I get to have 2 weeks of a summer vacation in which I will have to do work for the fall semester, but am not required to attend any classes.

No one's ever there when i wake up

it doesn't take a lot to annoy the fuck out of you.
i'd love to find a person who could get past my neurosis and shortcomings,
but that'd be impossible.

unreasonable?
yeah, probably.

unfair?
yeah, probably.

unlikely?
yeah, probably.

but it's one thing to fall in love with a person
and another to love everything about them,
whether it be the amazing things
or the shitty things.

you are not incapable of dealing with the bad aspects of my personality,
the decision not to is the decision you made.

it just sucks because i wish i could be myself and you would still want to be there in the morning...

I listened to Daniel Johnston and fell out of love.

I'll be true to you...

But how I'll be is not important here.

I was only mean,
Am only mean,
Because I know you'd never have me.

(Never mine)

ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE.

Is it a proclamation of my love for you?
Accepting things and moving on

I think it's a realization of a reality that is more real than the reality I've been living in for quite sometime.

Out looking for a sunset, but finding a lightning storm to shake things up.
But the grey sky brings me comfort because it wasn't what I was expecting.

I went out looking for the sunshine,
It didn't exist.
It's not the first time I've been disappointed like this.
It won't be the last.

ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE

But I would have been true to you,
I don't have to now.

My responsibilities to you have ended.
I no longer have to keep you alive

I'm free...