three Interviews mean I deserve a magarita night

it seems that the economy of the country has lines at unemployment offices wrapping around the building. i am sending resumes and cover letters to many different organizations and companies. looking for something that will make me happy and make some dollars. i'd prefer something fulfilling, but right now a job is the only requirement.

i have a child to think about. so why have i been acting so selfishly lately? i've been acting more selfishly than i ever have... i need to stop and prioritize my life. if i just get a job i believe that my selfish ways will end. i also need to stop being so hung up on someone who doesn't feel the same way i feel about him. it makes no sense why i continue to want someone who doesn't want me back. i deserve to get in return what i give out to another.

i want to be a good example for my daughter. right now i am a shitty example of a woman. i keep thinking that tomorrow i will be stronger. tomorrow i will make my recovery. today is tomorrow.

With clipped wings, I still attempt flight.
No encouragement from you now.
The lack of hope acts like gasoline, and I am fueled

Without you, my clipped wings have the chance to regrow.

From the depths of your fruitless soul I can complete my task,
Because there is so much more to the world, so much more to humanity than mere survival.

this day

since i am not wanted because i am a package deal,
i simply do not want.

DEAR CHI-TOWN

"Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess.
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday?
Well, I've got something to confess.
She picked me up on Friday.
Asked me if she reminded me of you.
I just laughed and lit a cigarette,
Said "that's impossible to do. "
My life's gotten simple since.
And it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again.
I'm not crying out to much.
Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal.
Think about you lying there.
And those blankets lie so still.
Nothing breathes here in the cold.
Nothing moves or even smiles.
I've been thinking some of suicide.
But there's bars out here for miles.
Sorry about the every kiss.
Every kiss you wasted {bad / back}.
I think the thing you said was true,
I'm going to die alone and sad.

The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurt's me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.
New York City, you're almost gone.
I think that I've fallen out of love,
I think I've fallen out of love... with you."

RYAN ADAMS--- "DEAR CHICAGO"

"it's funny how i can get anything i want in an instant on the internet...but can't get anything i want in life." -Shamara Jones

P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C would look great tattooed on my knuckles,

But I'm not going to do it because like everything else, it would fail to make any dent to you and your superiority complex. The good thing is that I don't feel entirely ridiculous anymore, just mostly. And my need to jump out of a 54th floor window has ceased for the time being. I'll wait until the weather warms up again before contemplating suicide. I would rather my last moments be warm. Every human being wants to feel safe. If i knew how to approach that feeling maybe I could find a way to embrace it. But the light at the end of my tunnel, once again, has been turned off. So for now I will keeping waking up each morning into the same daunting routine in hopes that one day either I won't wake up or that the day will bring something entirely out of the ordinary and something new for me to take part in.

Futile Self-Relexivity Points

With the chill in the air I am taken back to the times I can barely remember. It hurts to stretch the memory in the ways I've been trying to remember me and you. Thinking of memories or am I making them up?
The good, the bad, the "I thought so unforgettable," have almost all been forgotten. But there was a time when I thought us being apart meant the end of world.
Weird, the world kept on going. As it always does, as it always will.
I found the T-Shirt you sent yourself to me in and it's yellow now. It was white nearly a decade ago, but now it's like a wedding dress from some woman's past relationship. Tossed aside, shoved in the back of a closet that has since been filled with new, semi-happier memories.
I found the words you once thought down to paper and realized that those words mean almost nothing now and the person you are now wouldn't recognize the person that wrote those words. If you tried to look your past self in the eyes you would be looking at a stranger. But then again, if you're current eyes were looking into my current eyes we would not understand.
To think there was a time when you were the only person in the world who understood me, but now, while you think you still do, we are both so far gone...

Different Paths

And maybe I will go back to Chicago to live because I can.
But I won't be in charge of you this time. I have to give up my possession of you, like a piece of abandoned property I have satisfied the two elements; I am performing the act of abandonment and have ever intention of abandoning you.
You already lost me, so now it's time for me to lose you.

I never intended to be someone's baby's mamma. You were supposed to abandon me and disappear, not come back and be my possessor.

You possess my heart and I need to take it back. I am the true owner and I have the first right to it. I can't live like this...I deserve better than this and you have no desire to satisfy the things that I want.

I'm surrendering my interest in you. So you go your way and I'll go mine.

Led Zeppelin Songs

He says, "I'm a renegade, that's why."

And my eyes roll in the back of my head once again. I look down and see what we made and think to myself, "what the hell have I done?"

And I think about all the freedom that you have...and all the responsibilities that I have and the things you get to enjoy for moments, hours, but nothing more. All the girls you get to date. How nice it would be to be taken out somewhere...I haven't been on a date in well over a year and a half.

No sight in the near future for this either.

You think you know what lonely feels like. Too bad that isn't even on your radar.
And when I'm at the most lonesome point and look to someone...no one is there. But it's my fault for not being self-reliant.

I am looking for change, but I'm looking for change in the wrong human-being. I'm wishing that you'd change. You'd want to be with me. Not owned, not required, but with me, a partner...an equal.

But this change that I look for in you is not something that is anything to hold onto and what I need to do is look for change in myself.

The Ugliness

Human beings are ugly. Myself very included.
It makes no sense why we treat one another the way that we do.
It's as if we want to all be forever alone.

Maybe that is the solution.

Everyone is all alone and that's unbearable, but so comforting.
You want a model. Fewer brain cells.
Less to worry about.
Less to satisfy.

Sounds like what you are looking for.

Responsibility to some degree comes with living, so I guess dying is the only real solution here.

The world is oh-so ugly. Reality disgusts me.
Maybe I don't live in the real world.
Maybe I'm in some fictious-figment of my own imagination.

For now, it's okay.

But I'm still so full of ugliness.
At least you have something beautiful to look at now.

Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'.

Today I watched the news and it said that Exxon/Mobil had a huge increase in their profits.

"Now isn't that interesting," I thought after reading through my credit card statement and saw that the only item on there was gasoline and it was for the month of July and the total amounted to over $300.

$300...some may not even think that is too outrageous, but for someone who rarely drives, rarely does much of anything...it's a lot.

Another interesting current event is the number of Amber Alerts in the Massachusetts area.
What is it about summer that makes people crazy and makes non-custodial parents steal children from the custodial parent?

I have no answer for this one. I am soon-to-be, but not yet a parent.

This is a silly post. No one reads these posts anyway, but it is fun to type and write even if it's to no one.

I don't have a whole lot of people to share my thoughts with and I doubt anyone really cares about my thoughts.

Back to final studying. I can not wait until 7 p.m. today. At that time I get to have 2 weeks of a summer vacation in which I will have to do work for the fall semester, but am not required to attend any classes.

No one's ever there when i wake up

it doesn't take a lot to annoy the fuck out of you.
i'd love to find a person who could get past my neurosis and shortcomings,
but that'd be impossible.

unreasonable?
yeah, probably.

unfair?
yeah, probably.

unlikely?
yeah, probably.

but it's one thing to fall in love with a person
and another to love everything about them,
whether it be the amazing things
or the shitty things.

you are not incapable of dealing with the bad aspects of my personality,
the decision not to is the decision you made.

it just sucks because i wish i could be myself and you would still want to be there in the morning...

I listened to Daniel Johnston and fell out of love.

I'll be true to you...

But how I'll be is not important here.

I was only mean,
Am only mean,
Because I know you'd never have me.

(Never mine)

ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE.

Is it a proclamation of my love for you?
Accepting things and moving on

I think it's a realization of a reality that is more real than the reality I've been living in for quite sometime.

Out looking for a sunset, but finding a lightning storm to shake things up.
But the grey sky brings me comfort because it wasn't what I was expecting.

I went out looking for the sunshine,
It didn't exist.
It's not the first time I've been disappointed like this.
It won't be the last.

ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE

But I would have been true to you,
I don't have to now.

My responsibilities to you have ended.
I no longer have to keep you alive

I'm free...

Unlovable Again

Basically anyone who has been hurt or lost a loved one (not necessarily death lost, but just emotionally lost) knows that they process fucking sucks. I am finally coping with this loss. I am writing a letter of sorts to the past, present, and future boyfriend that left me to maybe get some of the thoughts that have been in my head out of my head and somewhere else. It's a kind of therapy. If anyone else wants to try this then I think it could be good or maybe I am just crazy and this is a dumb idea, who knows?

FOR PAST:

For all the late night walks we'll never take around our ghetto neighborhood.
For all the times I have to sleep alone
For all the nights we don't fall asleep together
For all the kisses we won't give each other
For every hug
For all the love we'll never make
For all the movies we wanted to watch and never will together
For all the music you won't turn me on to
And all the art we won't create together
For any camping trips that you won't be on with me
For any long car rides I won't be able to share with you
For all the thoughts I won't be able to share with you
For all the censoring I must do now
For all the memories I try to conceal

FOR PRESENT:

For all the back aches that you'll never heal me of
For all the head aches you won't be there to soothe
For all the mashed potatoes you won't be there to make me
For all the nights I wish I had someone to lie next to
For all the times I wish someone else could take the dog out
For every time I wish someone would give me a hug
Or a kiss, or even a shoulder to lean on
For all the heart ache you'll never see me go through
For all the pain that I have in my head
For all the things I'll never understand
And all the things you'll never understand

FOR FUTURE:

For all the late nights you won't have to be awoken by a crying child
For all the days when I just want to sleep
For all the exams and work I have to do
For all the money I'll never have
For all the tangible things I'll never have
For all the support you'll never give to me
For all the love you will not share with me
For every new girl that you meet
For every new love that you make
For all the times that you start to forget me
For all the minutes I spend waiting to see if you'll ever call
For all the events in my life that you won't know about
For all the school plays
Sports games
Fights
Friends
Boyfriends, girlfriends that you'll never meet
For a child you'll never know
For a life you'll never lead,
For all the missing I will do of you

I've never been very good at being a girlfriend. Probably because it's not a role I really like to be in. I know now that I have to be nice and not so mean, cold, and hidden in order to let someone in and let someone know who I am.

This is only the beginning.

After you're dead

You are ten years dead, but it's only a story. I was told that writing was an art. To mimic life. Art imitates life, so why do artists refuse t be alive. An artist can not live because they are too focused on what they must create. But everything has been created. It's like a story book and it's all laid out the grass and leaves and pathways are being colored in just as you take a step and the speech bubbles are being filled as you have your first conversation and art is not made because it already exists. An existence is everything.

You have been dead for a millennium now and you still haven't noticed that everyone you once knew was dead and everything your hands' once touched has been destroyed and the places you had come to love (and hate) no longer exist and you no longer exist, but you linger. You hang around this place wondering when you will be done creating the life you set out to create, but things have gone on without you. Life has gone on without you and that's okay because it is the life you set out to create and you're still going a full force. Nothing will stop you, nothing can hold you back. You've been held and held down, but that was not for you, so you hold yourself and hold your head extremely high. But for who?

Everyone's gone. You are all alone.

My Own Worst Enemy

I have become
My own worst enemy.
I feel my heart begin to race
And I know
I'm about to lose control

But it's all so situational.

Looking at the big picture
Doesn't help but it tricks me
To believing that things are allright.

I have a man with no heart whose baby I carry
And another who's in search of a mother.

Neither is any good for me
I will probably love both for awhile.

I wish i could forget,
Have it out of my head for an hour.

It's more than I can take.

I traveled thousands of miles
It still consumes me

Wishing for more nights
In bed with strangers.

I'm good to sleep next to because of this
Getting used to not really existing.

At the moment I'm alone
And I'm my own worst enemy
Making life harder than it has to be
Fighting when there's nothing left

To fight about

It's all over.

It came in like a hurricane and left the same way
Destroying everything in its path

But I'm like a pitbull
Beat me, shoot me, leave me for dead
But I'll forgive you
And be, oh so, eager to please you.

Sexual Predator

And I remember that night in your car.
We listened to CocoRosie for hours and you were shocked I knew who they were.

We got lost. Driving.
We referenced a map. After living in Chicago for a minute I understand why you rely so heavily on maps. Massachusetts people just don't need them. They know they will get lost and rely on friends, family, cell phone, pay phone and cops.

Did we want to get unlost? unstuck? unstruck?

And I remember all the times you call me for sex.
And you have a live-in girlfriend.
Your car could feel so good, but I can't get the idea that you are a monster out of my head.

Life gets hard

Sometimes life gets hard and you're lonely because you are physically alone. Will anyone affect me?

Oh please, I'm afflicted, Baby!

A real fucking mess
And life get hard.

Humboldt Park at Night Alone Part 1

Everything has an expiration date, but typically no one knows that date until it happens. As far as boy/girl relationships go, there is never supposed to be a set expiration date. Usually it comes when one gets with another or it just feels right or in a screaming match that ends with broken faces, broken windows and broken CD cases. Nevertheless the time is never planned because then the relationship is doomed from the beginning.

Sometimes love is not enough. Being far to young to even know what unconditional love really is makes it difficult to understand why some people do the things they do. But actions do speak louder than words, so if you love someone and then decide to never get a job and let that person support you and then run out on them, how is that love?

Another person to screw up my head and make it more difficult to understand how love is supposed to feel. Not one sided. Currently, I am devastated so in a few moments things might be different or things might fall apart. I'll leave that up to fate, but what I do know is that a person I love is leaving me to sit in my ghetto apartment in a fucking hell hole of a section of this Midwest city known as Chicago so that he can grow as a person. This translate to...so he can go somewhere warming fuck a bunch of girls, go back to Boston fuck a bunch of girls, go to Maine and live in the woods and bring a bunch of white trash girls into the woods to fuck.

I'm glad that's all been sorted out. I feel better just realizing how completely ridiculous, fucking selfish and bizarre he is and while I know deep down I love him, I hate him more right now.

Melting down

It's not about survival because that's easy. But where do I belong? Where can I survive? I'm not meant for happiness and not meant for love. No one is searching across a country for me. Anyone who has met me would rather just leave me or let me leave them. I was used to this, but then things get a little fucked up. But as always I'm not good enough. Not fun enough, not adventurous enough, not giving enough and too insane to deal with.

It will never happen. No one can love me the way I need that love and no one wants to try. I don't blame them. I'm a train wreck. Maybe someday someone will want to stick around to be with me. I'm not counting on it.