Different Paths

And maybe I will go back to Chicago to live because I can.
But I won't be in charge of you this time. I have to give up my possession of you, like a piece of abandoned property I have satisfied the two elements; I am performing the act of abandonment and have ever intention of abandoning you.
You already lost me, so now it's time for me to lose you.

I never intended to be someone's baby's mamma. You were supposed to abandon me and disappear, not come back and be my possessor.

You possess my heart and I need to take it back. I am the true owner and I have the first right to it. I can't live like this...I deserve better than this and you have no desire to satisfy the things that I want.

I'm surrendering my interest in you. So you go your way and I'll go mine.

Led Zeppelin Songs

He says, "I'm a renegade, that's why."

And my eyes roll in the back of my head once again. I look down and see what we made and think to myself, "what the hell have I done?"

And I think about all the freedom that you have...and all the responsibilities that I have and the things you get to enjoy for moments, hours, but nothing more. All the girls you get to date. How nice it would be to be taken out somewhere...I haven't been on a date in well over a year and a half.

No sight in the near future for this either.

You think you know what lonely feels like. Too bad that isn't even on your radar.
And when I'm at the most lonesome point and look to someone...no one is there. But it's my fault for not being self-reliant.

I am looking for change, but I'm looking for change in the wrong human-being. I'm wishing that you'd change. You'd want to be with me. Not owned, not required, but with me, a partner...an equal.

But this change that I look for in you is not something that is anything to hold onto and what I need to do is look for change in myself.

The Ugliness

Human beings are ugly. Myself very included.
It makes no sense why we treat one another the way that we do.
It's as if we want to all be forever alone.

Maybe that is the solution.

Everyone is all alone and that's unbearable, but so comforting.
You want a model. Fewer brain cells.
Less to worry about.
Less to satisfy.

Sounds like what you are looking for.

Responsibility to some degree comes with living, so I guess dying is the only real solution here.

The world is oh-so ugly. Reality disgusts me.
Maybe I don't live in the real world.
Maybe I'm in some fictious-figment of my own imagination.

For now, it's okay.

But I'm still so full of ugliness.
At least you have something beautiful to look at now.

Ivan the terrible claimed to have 'deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring'.

Today I watched the news and it said that Exxon/Mobil had a huge increase in their profits.

"Now isn't that interesting," I thought after reading through my credit card statement and saw that the only item on there was gasoline and it was for the month of July and the total amounted to over $300.

$300...some may not even think that is too outrageous, but for someone who rarely drives, rarely does much of anything...it's a lot.

Another interesting current event is the number of Amber Alerts in the Massachusetts area.
What is it about summer that makes people crazy and makes non-custodial parents steal children from the custodial parent?

I have no answer for this one. I am soon-to-be, but not yet a parent.

This is a silly post. No one reads these posts anyway, but it is fun to type and write even if it's to no one.

I don't have a whole lot of people to share my thoughts with and I doubt anyone really cares about my thoughts.

Back to final studying. I can not wait until 7 p.m. today. At that time I get to have 2 weeks of a summer vacation in which I will have to do work for the fall semester, but am not required to attend any classes.

No one's ever there when i wake up

it doesn't take a lot to annoy the fuck out of you.
i'd love to find a person who could get past my neurosis and shortcomings,
but that'd be impossible.

unreasonable?
yeah, probably.

unfair?
yeah, probably.

unlikely?
yeah, probably.

but it's one thing to fall in love with a person
and another to love everything about them,
whether it be the amazing things
or the shitty things.

you are not incapable of dealing with the bad aspects of my personality,
the decision not to is the decision you made.

it just sucks because i wish i could be myself and you would still want to be there in the morning...

I listened to Daniel Johnston and fell out of love.

I'll be true to you...

But how I'll be is not important here.

I was only mean,
Am only mean,
Because I know you'd never have me.

(Never mine)

ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE.

Is it a proclamation of my love for you?
Accepting things and moving on

I think it's a realization of a reality that is more real than the reality I've been living in for quite sometime.

Out looking for a sunset, but finding a lightning storm to shake things up.
But the grey sky brings me comfort because it wasn't what I was expecting.

I went out looking for the sunshine,
It didn't exist.
It's not the first time I've been disappointed like this.
It won't be the last.

ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE, ACCEPTANCE

But I would have been true to you,
I don't have to now.

My responsibilities to you have ended.
I no longer have to keep you alive

I'm free...

Unlovable Again

Basically anyone who has been hurt or lost a loved one (not necessarily death lost, but just emotionally lost) knows that they process fucking sucks. I am finally coping with this loss. I am writing a letter of sorts to the past, present, and future boyfriend that left me to maybe get some of the thoughts that have been in my head out of my head and somewhere else. It's a kind of therapy. If anyone else wants to try this then I think it could be good or maybe I am just crazy and this is a dumb idea, who knows?

FOR PAST:

For all the late night walks we'll never take around our ghetto neighborhood.
For all the times I have to sleep alone
For all the nights we don't fall asleep together
For all the kisses we won't give each other
For every hug
For all the love we'll never make
For all the movies we wanted to watch and never will together
For all the music you won't turn me on to
And all the art we won't create together
For any camping trips that you won't be on with me
For any long car rides I won't be able to share with you
For all the thoughts I won't be able to share with you
For all the censoring I must do now
For all the memories I try to conceal

FOR PRESENT:

For all the back aches that you'll never heal me of
For all the head aches you won't be there to soothe
For all the mashed potatoes you won't be there to make me
For all the nights I wish I had someone to lie next to
For all the times I wish someone else could take the dog out
For every time I wish someone would give me a hug
Or a kiss, or even a shoulder to lean on
For all the heart ache you'll never see me go through
For all the pain that I have in my head
For all the things I'll never understand
And all the things you'll never understand

FOR FUTURE:

For all the late nights you won't have to be awoken by a crying child
For all the days when I just want to sleep
For all the exams and work I have to do
For all the money I'll never have
For all the tangible things I'll never have
For all the support you'll never give to me
For all the love you will not share with me
For every new girl that you meet
For every new love that you make
For all the times that you start to forget me
For all the minutes I spend waiting to see if you'll ever call
For all the events in my life that you won't know about
For all the school plays
Sports games
Fights
Friends
Boyfriends, girlfriends that you'll never meet
For a child you'll never know
For a life you'll never lead,
For all the missing I will do of you

I've never been very good at being a girlfriend. Probably because it's not a role I really like to be in. I know now that I have to be nice and not so mean, cold, and hidden in order to let someone in and let someone know who I am.

This is only the beginning.