Affected and Effected

We have passed a half of a decade we are now entering the sixth year since my history changed. It was an attack against the country I hold a passport to, but how did it change me? Sixteen years old, I was naive even with the knowledge of abusers and bastards no experience could make me able to make this seem likea normal series of events. There was nothing normal about it.

A friend becoming more than a friend. Were we all looking for someone to turn to? Was it more security and less love I was after? The security I found in you and now that security is gone. Americans all looked to security. Marriages happened and realtionships blossomed and then six years later. What is the same? What security have you found?

My security has been in the death of a friend to the bullets shot from a sniper in his face and throat in Afghanistan. The loss of a boyfriend, best friend and number one person to comprehend my insanity. A best friend leaving the country and seeing her maybe twice a year. Boyfriends and girlfriends and relations that are more fuck and run than anything else. Friends in different places and lovers spread across the country. Art in my mind and on paper. Writing, writings, writing. Cars parked in driveways, haunted houses and missing people who don't want anything to do with me. Love. My security is in humanity and strength and the strength I search for in myself.

Positive people. Positive lovers. A certain positive lover. A certain positive partner. I remain affected and I hope to affect. I plan to be both the cause and effect to many different people's happiness and given the right inspiration and right amount of encouragement be the effect that can make a real change in this world that is now six years old to me.

Ripped Slips and Torn Panties

And now it's you that rips my underwear apart. And I never imagined what it would be like to love a man so much. Just like a boyfriend; to train, to take care of and to keep out of danger. Just like a child. I watch you walk and play and run and jump and wish for nothing bad to ever happen to you. So happy, filled with joy the tears flow freely. I'm so eager to please you and give you everything. You are so eager to please, but only when you forget that you are a baby. When you are a baby you need more more. And you do. Need me. More.

It's an interesting turn of events, you entering my life. Me entering yours. It's a forever commitment. I've never had a forever. You are too little to know what it's like to have a sometimes or "for now" commitment. And I don't want you to ever feel unwanted or unloved. Love of my life. You are thoroughly appreciated.