Yearning for that stupid body of water that exists about 1,000 miles away from my current location. But even more so, for the ocean for the ever-flowing giant body of gush, or water. That walk that night with you made me remember how alone I was before I fell into you.
Marginal Way in Maine. Perkins Cove. Your cove? The sky looked like a painting that I am not talented enough to paint and those crashing waves. I wanted to lay there and let that moment last forever, but it was late and we had other sights to see. But none as beautiful as you, as the idea of us. My childhood and adulthoos came crashing together for once and it felt so good to be there with you and never knowing if I'd ever see you again. I'd see you in the morning, that was a safe bet... but nothing concrete thereafter. It was some kind of wonderful. A great new wonderful.
But then the lighthouse was not visible. The fog... made it impossible for me to make my escape from Maine complete. I have unfinished business there. Maybe I'll be back there this fall or maybe later than that...either way it will wait for me.
Meet me in Portsmouth. At this spot in, let's say five years?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Epic Excursions: Part Deux
There comes an enormous amount of responsibility when it comes to any kind of relationship, but a romantic one that has been upheaved from one city to another there comes an even greater amount. The feeling of inadequecy makes things very difficult, but looking past the idea that things aren't perfect right at this moment make things easier. It's not so easy when people are rubbing the shit in your face that as far as girlfriend status goes, I certainly don't add up.
I'm not the easiest person to deal with at any given time and I am certainly not one of the sane ones, but I try to at least appear to have it all together. It gets difficult when it feels like I don't have grasp on anything, but at the same time it helps to know that I am no longer just living for myself. I have someone who not only partially relies on me, but also supports me in every decision I make. It's so much better than just parents or siblings or even friends.
The soundtrack of my life is very apparent these days. With tunes coming from bands of my past, there's Piebald and Keepsake and Converge, just to name a few and some more that I need to go back into the database to find and recall. These silly bands are important to me, as are their lyrics and the music that goes along with their lyrics. It's good to have someone to share these with and it's nice to know they touch him as well.
I did not intend for this post to get so sappy, but it has and therefore I am going to end it there and come back to the soundtrack and story of my life later...
I'm not the easiest person to deal with at any given time and I am certainly not one of the sane ones, but I try to at least appear to have it all together. It gets difficult when it feels like I don't have grasp on anything, but at the same time it helps to know that I am no longer just living for myself. I have someone who not only partially relies on me, but also supports me in every decision I make. It's so much better than just parents or siblings or even friends.
The soundtrack of my life is very apparent these days. With tunes coming from bands of my past, there's Piebald and Keepsake and Converge, just to name a few and some more that I need to go back into the database to find and recall. These silly bands are important to me, as are their lyrics and the music that goes along with their lyrics. It's good to have someone to share these with and it's nice to know they touch him as well.
I did not intend for this post to get so sappy, but it has and therefore I am going to end it there and come back to the soundtrack and story of my life later...
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Epic Excusions: In Purgatory
The decision to let go of the familiar was not as difficult as I had thought prior to just doing it. The past six months were not any kind of a reality, which leaves a lot of room to change things. It was a quick decision, but sometimes big life decision don't give you time to sit down and make a list of pros and cons, this is my reality. I do not have a post-it note to break up the good and the bad I am just here and I had to jump.
The sinking effect sets in every now and then, but the decision was the right one. It's been a long road of bad relationships, unfrogiveable actions and bruised egos. The change was in need and what a better time to make the switch than when excaping a heartbreaking city and moving to a new one. Will it break me? This is all so uncertain, but life is going and I am finally apart of it.
It sounds unfortunately for me that I wasn't breathing the right air for so long and I was putting myself into bad situations and letting them stay that way. This is the change.
I could have, maybe should have come to this new land and taken up with the man that was waiting for me, but was he really waiting? It was all a lie anyway, pure bullshit.
The broken record that he was, was only interested in himself, a real numero uno. He had no interest in helping me make my life better, just me making his life better. Maybe it was good that I learned that I need some me time and some help with my life. I can't just help others succeed and stand in line waiting for my turn. I am cutting the line right now.
The decision to run from the one that was waiting for me was the right one. If nothing else made it more clear then the childishness that ensued made it all so clear. If only I could have saved though text messages he sent, they were phenonmenal. The harsh words and the trying of vicsiousness. I like the attempt, but if you mess with the bulls you will get the horns. The attempt was seen through... it was cowardly.
If I had to use one word to describe all of the men in my life romantically it would be...cowardly. They are cowards and pathetic.
But there is light at the end of this tunnel, especially in regards to romantic relationships, well at least for now, and at least this romantic relationship I have found myself flung into.
The sinking effect sets in every now and then, but the decision was the right one. It's been a long road of bad relationships, unfrogiveable actions and bruised egos. The change was in need and what a better time to make the switch than when excaping a heartbreaking city and moving to a new one. Will it break me? This is all so uncertain, but life is going and I am finally apart of it.
It sounds unfortunately for me that I wasn't breathing the right air for so long and I was putting myself into bad situations and letting them stay that way. This is the change.
I could have, maybe should have come to this new land and taken up with the man that was waiting for me, but was he really waiting? It was all a lie anyway, pure bullshit.
The broken record that he was, was only interested in himself, a real numero uno. He had no interest in helping me make my life better, just me making his life better. Maybe it was good that I learned that I need some me time and some help with my life. I can't just help others succeed and stand in line waiting for my turn. I am cutting the line right now.
The decision to run from the one that was waiting for me was the right one. If nothing else made it more clear then the childishness that ensued made it all so clear. If only I could have saved though text messages he sent, they were phenonmenal. The harsh words and the trying of vicsiousness. I like the attempt, but if you mess with the bulls you will get the horns. The attempt was seen through... it was cowardly.
If I had to use one word to describe all of the men in my life romantically it would be...cowardly. They are cowards and pathetic.
But there is light at the end of this tunnel, especially in regards to romantic relationships, well at least for now, and at least this romantic relationship I have found myself flung into.
Epic Excusions: On the Road
As for the move, well, the process is the fun part and once that is done with the living begins...I'm still not living yet, well not really living anyway. It's kind of this purgatory feeling where I have somethings to lose, but not entirely everything to lose. I don't want to have evertyhing to lose though because then I will go insane from the thought of losing things or from losing you.
On the other hand, remembering to breath all the time makes all the difference. I'm a foriegner, strange man in a strange land, so to speak, but not for long.
The past is left behind and the future must begin to be mapped out, but tell me how does one map out what is so uncertain? I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. This dream of me and you, because you are the next best thing to perfect and you've totally happened to me.
A huge decision was about to be made by me and it was scary. To trust the voice on the phone that had been going like a broken record for six months or try something new and completely unfamiliar.
The opportunities that await me are endless. Everything seems to be right in my grasp right now and it's scary to know that things that once seemed so intanglible have changed form.
On the other hand, remembering to breath all the time makes all the difference. I'm a foriegner, strange man in a strange land, so to speak, but not for long.
The past is left behind and the future must begin to be mapped out, but tell me how does one map out what is so uncertain? I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. This dream of me and you, because you are the next best thing to perfect and you've totally happened to me.
A huge decision was about to be made by me and it was scary. To trust the voice on the phone that had been going like a broken record for six months or try something new and completely unfamiliar.
The opportunities that await me are endless. Everything seems to be right in my grasp right now and it's scary to know that things that once seemed so intanglible have changed form.
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