It's the only constant going on.

I date the same man. Not literally, not physically, but figuratively, they are the same every time. I have become adjusted to hearing the words, "every experience I have can not be with you or have something to do with you." Yes, it hurts and yes, it sucks and obviously I know that life is not like that. And men I love do not need me to be their everything. That is good. I can't be everything. At the same time It is interesting to realize they are constantly trying to grow apart and away from me. Maybe it is me, maybe I am some relationship killer. Whether I am or not I need to realize to unclip their wings or they will enver fly back to me. I am constantly experiencing life with or without men and I feel like the men I attract do not see how this is done and feel like they have to be free or looking for that someone better who "understands" them in orderto go on with their lives. That's okay, I don't blame them. After all I am a whole lotta love to handle. I am aware of my intensity and of my velocity.

Otherwise, I let them walk away. I put up a fight, but not a big one just enough to cause a scene. I want him back, but I can't force it. I can't force love or lust or whatever bullshit it is and I certainly can't make up people's destinies for them. You know where I am and I'll wait for you to figure out where you are. I hope it's here with me, but I'm not holding my breath.

Not for anyone.

The Solo Movement

My feet moved so slowly for the first time in years and my calves burned as I moved through the sand. But the view, it was beautiful. It was all worth it and the loneliness it melted away, because at that moment if I had heard a sound or if another human had made a noise my peace would have dissolved.

I've been thinking about some serious time away from cities, because cities are so heartbreaking and so full. They aren't even full of life, well, they are full of life, but not the good kind. The negativity that exists and fraudulent beings they all exist in these cities. Nature is fraudulent, but in a different sense because currently I can not translate its negativity into my own language.

The cynics are all unitying and they are coming into my brain. I hear their words echo inside my, currently, hollow head. I don't want to go back to my old ways. I want to go out into the world with open eyes, an open mind and a giant heart ready to explore. This, however, does come with some degree of naivete. I hope it doesn't get the best og me.

Thinkin, thinking, thinking...staring, staring, staring...into the outside world and curious to see where I fit I start exploring everything around me. Because for now I am a city dweller and I will make the best of it. I am looking at the way the bricks are laid. The cracks, when will they fall apart? I'm comparing a lot of inanimate objects to my own being. Scary. Maybe I am truly losing my mind this time, maybe I'm understanding where I am right now. I am alone.

Is this the end? (I hope not)

The feeling in my stomach was awful. I could barely see because the tears where blurring my retina. Do I even see with my retina? Well, the salty water was making it difficult to see where I was steering my large piece of machinery. I was leaving you behind or maybe you were leaving me behind. Nonetheless, the feeling in my stomach was horrible. I wouldn't quite call it a knot, but I am sure if I had pulled over I could have puked. I didn't puke. I kept going.

"Stay strong!" It makes me want to keep my chin up and stop being a pathetic little baby when I hear that phrase.

I drove down the highway and the traffic had cleared and that was promising for the day to come. There was a light at the end of this tunnel. It was just blurry still.

With the music blaring and my heart aching I managed to get my shit together and be a human being again. My eyes and their lids were swollen, but I decided to put it all out of my head. Maybe I could turn this into a song. Or maybe I could write a book. I want to write a poem. I want to leave it on your pillow for you to read when you wake up tomorrow. Unfortunately, I'm just going to bed and none of my accomplishments will be accomplished tonight.