Sexual Predator

And I remember that night in your car.
We listened to CocoRosie for hours and you were shocked I knew who they were.

We got lost. Driving.
We referenced a map. After living in Chicago for a minute I understand why you rely so heavily on maps. Massachusetts people just don't need them. They know they will get lost and rely on friends, family, cell phone, pay phone and cops.

Did we want to get unlost? unstuck? unstruck?

And I remember all the times you call me for sex.
And you have a live-in girlfriend.
Your car could feel so good, but I can't get the idea that you are a monster out of my head.

Life gets hard

Sometimes life gets hard and you're lonely because you are physically alone. Will anyone affect me?

Oh please, I'm afflicted, Baby!

A real fucking mess
And life get hard.

Humboldt Park at Night Alone Part 1

Everything has an expiration date, but typically no one knows that date until it happens. As far as boy/girl relationships go, there is never supposed to be a set expiration date. Usually it comes when one gets with another or it just feels right or in a screaming match that ends with broken faces, broken windows and broken CD cases. Nevertheless the time is never planned because then the relationship is doomed from the beginning.

Sometimes love is not enough. Being far to young to even know what unconditional love really is makes it difficult to understand why some people do the things they do. But actions do speak louder than words, so if you love someone and then decide to never get a job and let that person support you and then run out on them, how is that love?

Another person to screw up my head and make it more difficult to understand how love is supposed to feel. Not one sided. Currently, I am devastated so in a few moments things might be different or things might fall apart. I'll leave that up to fate, but what I do know is that a person I love is leaving me to sit in my ghetto apartment in a fucking hell hole of a section of this Midwest city known as Chicago so that he can grow as a person. This translate to...so he can go somewhere warming fuck a bunch of girls, go back to Boston fuck a bunch of girls, go to Maine and live in the woods and bring a bunch of white trash girls into the woods to fuck.

I'm glad that's all been sorted out. I feel better just realizing how completely ridiculous, fucking selfish and bizarre he is and while I know deep down I love him, I hate him more right now.

Melting down

It's not about survival because that's easy. But where do I belong? Where can I survive? I'm not meant for happiness and not meant for love. No one is searching across a country for me. Anyone who has met me would rather just leave me or let me leave them. I was used to this, but then things get a little fucked up. But as always I'm not good enough. Not fun enough, not adventurous enough, not giving enough and too insane to deal with.

It will never happen. No one can love me the way I need that love and no one wants to try. I don't blame them. I'm a train wreck. Maybe someday someone will want to stick around to be with me. I'm not counting on it.

Affected and Effected

We have passed a half of a decade we are now entering the sixth year since my history changed. It was an attack against the country I hold a passport to, but how did it change me? Sixteen years old, I was naive even with the knowledge of abusers and bastards no experience could make me able to make this seem likea normal series of events. There was nothing normal about it.

A friend becoming more than a friend. Were we all looking for someone to turn to? Was it more security and less love I was after? The security I found in you and now that security is gone. Americans all looked to security. Marriages happened and realtionships blossomed and then six years later. What is the same? What security have you found?

My security has been in the death of a friend to the bullets shot from a sniper in his face and throat in Afghanistan. The loss of a boyfriend, best friend and number one person to comprehend my insanity. A best friend leaving the country and seeing her maybe twice a year. Boyfriends and girlfriends and relations that are more fuck and run than anything else. Friends in different places and lovers spread across the country. Art in my mind and on paper. Writing, writings, writing. Cars parked in driveways, haunted houses and missing people who don't want anything to do with me. Love. My security is in humanity and strength and the strength I search for in myself.

Positive people. Positive lovers. A certain positive lover. A certain positive partner. I remain affected and I hope to affect. I plan to be both the cause and effect to many different people's happiness and given the right inspiration and right amount of encouragement be the effect that can make a real change in this world that is now six years old to me.

Ripped Slips and Torn Panties

And now it's you that rips my underwear apart. And I never imagined what it would be like to love a man so much. Just like a boyfriend; to train, to take care of and to keep out of danger. Just like a child. I watch you walk and play and run and jump and wish for nothing bad to ever happen to you. So happy, filled with joy the tears flow freely. I'm so eager to please you and give you everything. You are so eager to please, but only when you forget that you are a baby. When you are a baby you need more more. And you do. Need me. More.

It's an interesting turn of events, you entering my life. Me entering yours. It's a forever commitment. I've never had a forever. You are too little to know what it's like to have a sometimes or "for now" commitment. And I don't want you to ever feel unwanted or unloved. Love of my life. You are thoroughly appreciated.

Emotional Without Reservation

Twenty-Four hours a day is the amount of time my anxiety acts up against me. It's no one's fault but my own. I have failed to learn how to take care of myself and I try to take care of others as well. At the end of the day, everyday, I feel like a complete failure. But I wake up every morning again as if the day will be a success. One day it will be. One day there will be great success for me and I can look at my reflection and feel succesful.

I feel like such a child, so helpless and so alone. I look into your eyes and there is nothing in your spirit that has me. There is nothing that exists for me inside your beautiful soul, but I keep looking. I am looking for something that could exist. And I pick apart everything. And I will ruin everything because I can't just be in this. I can't just live. I am in the past, the future and I neglect the present.

I neglect and ignore all the words you sya to me, all the things you do for me.

Lo siento, mi amor.

I was Queen and you took away my Crown

Sometimes, late at night, I walk around this new place that I have been calling home for just over two months and keep seeing these familar faces on complete strangers. I am not sure what to make of it, but I'm trying. I'm trying to figure out how I fit into this strange new world. I am a lone wolf. I am a loner, I am a rebel and I remain independent. Worrying about things that are far out of my control are thoughts that flow through my mind as I walk, as I look into the eyes of strangers.

I am certainly going through some changes and I am trying to harness my own reality. I'm floating. And you are partying. So far away from me and I'm here fending for myself. It's more normal than anything else.You need human contact, human interaction. I need human contact, I need human interaction, but when I have had too much I need solitude. I need isolation. You want, and want and want these tanglible things and I need, I need, I need the intangible.

Solo.

It's the only constant going on.

I date the same man. Not literally, not physically, but figuratively, they are the same every time. I have become adjusted to hearing the words, "every experience I have can not be with you or have something to do with you." Yes, it hurts and yes, it sucks and obviously I know that life is not like that. And men I love do not need me to be their everything. That is good. I can't be everything. At the same time It is interesting to realize they are constantly trying to grow apart and away from me. Maybe it is me, maybe I am some relationship killer. Whether I am or not I need to realize to unclip their wings or they will enver fly back to me. I am constantly experiencing life with or without men and I feel like the men I attract do not see how this is done and feel like they have to be free or looking for that someone better who "understands" them in orderto go on with their lives. That's okay, I don't blame them. After all I am a whole lotta love to handle. I am aware of my intensity and of my velocity.

Otherwise, I let them walk away. I put up a fight, but not a big one just enough to cause a scene. I want him back, but I can't force it. I can't force love or lust or whatever bullshit it is and I certainly can't make up people's destinies for them. You know where I am and I'll wait for you to figure out where you are. I hope it's here with me, but I'm not holding my breath.

Not for anyone.

The Solo Movement

My feet moved so slowly for the first time in years and my calves burned as I moved through the sand. But the view, it was beautiful. It was all worth it and the loneliness it melted away, because at that moment if I had heard a sound or if another human had made a noise my peace would have dissolved.

I've been thinking about some serious time away from cities, because cities are so heartbreaking and so full. They aren't even full of life, well, they are full of life, but not the good kind. The negativity that exists and fraudulent beings they all exist in these cities. Nature is fraudulent, but in a different sense because currently I can not translate its negativity into my own language.

The cynics are all unitying and they are coming into my brain. I hear their words echo inside my, currently, hollow head. I don't want to go back to my old ways. I want to go out into the world with open eyes, an open mind and a giant heart ready to explore. This, however, does come with some degree of naivete. I hope it doesn't get the best og me.

Thinkin, thinking, thinking...staring, staring, staring...into the outside world and curious to see where I fit I start exploring everything around me. Because for now I am a city dweller and I will make the best of it. I am looking at the way the bricks are laid. The cracks, when will they fall apart? I'm comparing a lot of inanimate objects to my own being. Scary. Maybe I am truly losing my mind this time, maybe I'm understanding where I am right now. I am alone.

Is this the end? (I hope not)

The feeling in my stomach was awful. I could barely see because the tears where blurring my retina. Do I even see with my retina? Well, the salty water was making it difficult to see where I was steering my large piece of machinery. I was leaving you behind or maybe you were leaving me behind. Nonetheless, the feeling in my stomach was horrible. I wouldn't quite call it a knot, but I am sure if I had pulled over I could have puked. I didn't puke. I kept going.

"Stay strong!" It makes me want to keep my chin up and stop being a pathetic little baby when I hear that phrase.

I drove down the highway and the traffic had cleared and that was promising for the day to come. There was a light at the end of this tunnel. It was just blurry still.

With the music blaring and my heart aching I managed to get my shit together and be a human being again. My eyes and their lids were swollen, but I decided to put it all out of my head. Maybe I could turn this into a song. Or maybe I could write a book. I want to write a poem. I want to leave it on your pillow for you to read when you wake up tomorrow. Unfortunately, I'm just going to bed and none of my accomplishments will be accomplished tonight.

Walden Pond (and other bodies of water)

Yearning for that stupid body of water that exists about 1,000 miles away from my current location. But even more so, for the ocean for the ever-flowing giant body of gush, or water. That walk that night with you made me remember how alone I was before I fell into you.

Marginal Way in Maine. Perkins Cove. Your cove? The sky looked like a painting that I am not talented enough to paint and those crashing waves. I wanted to lay there and let that moment last forever, but it was late and we had other sights to see. But none as beautiful as you, as the idea of us. My childhood and adulthoos came crashing together for once and it felt so good to be there with you and never knowing if I'd ever see you again. I'd see you in the morning, that was a safe bet... but nothing concrete thereafter. It was some kind of wonderful. A great new wonderful.

But then the lighthouse was not visible. The fog... made it impossible for me to make my escape from Maine complete. I have unfinished business there. Maybe I'll be back there this fall or maybe later than that...either way it will wait for me.

Meet me in Portsmouth. At this spot in, let's say five years?

Epic Excursions: Part Deux

There comes an enormous amount of responsibility when it comes to any kind of relationship, but a romantic one that has been upheaved from one city to another there comes an even greater amount. The feeling of inadequecy makes things very difficult, but looking past the idea that things aren't perfect right at this moment make things easier. It's not so easy when people are rubbing the shit in your face that as far as girlfriend status goes, I certainly don't add up.

I'm not the easiest person to deal with at any given time and I am certainly not one of the sane ones, but I try to at least appear to have it all together. It gets difficult when it feels like I don't have grasp on anything, but at the same time it helps to know that I am no longer just living for myself. I have someone who not only partially relies on me, but also supports me in every decision I make. It's so much better than just parents or siblings or even friends.

The soundtrack of my life is very apparent these days. With tunes coming from bands of my past, there's Piebald and Keepsake and Converge, just to name a few and some more that I need to go back into the database to find and recall. These silly bands are important to me, as are their lyrics and the music that goes along with their lyrics. It's good to have someone to share these with and it's nice to know they touch him as well.

I did not intend for this post to get so sappy, but it has and therefore I am going to end it there and come back to the soundtrack and story of my life later...

Epic Excusions: In Purgatory

The decision to let go of the familiar was not as difficult as I had thought prior to just doing it. The past six months were not any kind of a reality, which leaves a lot of room to change things. It was a quick decision, but sometimes big life decision don't give you time to sit down and make a list of pros and cons, this is my reality. I do not have a post-it note to break up the good and the bad I am just here and I had to jump.

The sinking effect sets in every now and then, but the decision was the right one. It's been a long road of bad relationships, unfrogiveable actions and bruised egos. The change was in need and what a better time to make the switch than when excaping a heartbreaking city and moving to a new one. Will it break me? This is all so uncertain, but life is going and I am finally apart of it.

It sounds unfortunately for me that I wasn't breathing the right air for so long and I was putting myself into bad situations and letting them stay that way. This is the change.

I could have, maybe should have come to this new land and taken up with the man that was waiting for me, but was he really waiting? It was all a lie anyway, pure bullshit.

The broken record that he was, was only interested in himself, a real numero uno. He had no interest in helping me make my life better, just me making his life better. Maybe it was good that I learned that I need some me time and some help with my life. I can't just help others succeed and stand in line waiting for my turn. I am cutting the line right now.

The decision to run from the one that was waiting for me was the right one. If nothing else made it more clear then the childishness that ensued made it all so clear. If only I could have saved though text messages he sent, they were phenonmenal. The harsh words and the trying of vicsiousness. I like the attempt, but if you mess with the bulls you will get the horns. The attempt was seen through... it was cowardly.

If I had to use one word to describe all of the men in my life romantically it would be...cowardly. They are cowards and pathetic.

But there is light at the end of this tunnel, especially in regards to romantic relationships, well at least for now, and at least this romantic relationship I have found myself flung into.

Epic Excusions: On the Road

As for the move, well, the process is the fun part and once that is done with the living begins...I'm still not living yet, well not really living anyway. It's kind of this purgatory feeling where I have somethings to lose, but not entirely everything to lose. I don't want to have evertyhing to lose though because then I will go insane from the thought of losing things or from losing you.

On the other hand, remembering to breath all the time makes all the difference. I'm a foriegner, strange man in a strange land, so to speak, but not for long.

The past is left behind and the future must begin to be mapped out, but tell me how does one map out what is so uncertain? I keep waiting to wake up from this dream. This dream of me and you, because you are the next best thing to perfect and you've totally happened to me.

A huge decision was about to be made by me and it was scary. To trust the voice on the phone that had been going like a broken record for six months or try something new and completely unfamiliar.

The opportunities that await me are endless. Everything seems to be right in my grasp right now and it's scary to know that things that once seemed so intanglible have changed form.

Epic Excursion: Part 1

Two weeks before I was making the biggest move of my short life, things got messy. By things getting messy I mean a new firecracker walked right into my life when I was trying to get away, get away from everything that I had known and been comfortable with and this something started holding me tighter than I had felt in years. I was ready to leave and ready to start over, but then it hit me, what if I'm missing the point of all of this. It really shouldn't matter where I am, but it's all about who I'm with.

My personality works this way.

I walk around and claim I am not this "girlfriend" girl, but I am. I was made to care for some other human being. I just let people in enough to push them away when I feel like it' s getting too involved or I am getting too close. Mykel ruined me and is the only person I could imagine letting in to my life so far as he went. Then again a few choice people have been walking in recently and I want to show them all of me. All the ups and downs, all the craziness and all the love I have to give.

At this point it was too late for any sucker back in Boston, except for one. The one that held me tight. He knew about my life and everything that was going on, but that made me so much more attractive. It's hard to like a crazy girl, it's easier when she's a) about to move about 1,000 miles away and b) when the girl is already semi-attached to someone who only semi-exist.

Everything was working out. I had the big move planned there was a man who cared about me and was willing to help me with everything and as life always seems to work out I was right there ready to fuck up everything that was working out so lovely.

He was gorgeous, a total babe. The type that I should never get myself involved with because while he is the boyfriend type, the marrying type, he is not that type of my boyrfriend type. He was so handsome, so funny and wasn't afraid of any kind of rejection.

"I love your body," was the first phrase I remember him saying to me. What kind of person feels confident enough to speak like that? So freely and easily... man am I jealous of free thinkers, of care-free humans.

What a breath of fresh air after I've been breathing in carbon dioxide for the past four years. So it goes, and so it went...

After the first encounter everything became about me. I haven't had a single person make everything about me and make me number one in so long I kind of made a joke out of the whole thing and just tried to go with the whole situation and nix my negativity for just a few days. I didn't want anything, but isn't that how it always is? It's at the worst times that the best people fall right into your hands.

The first minute I saw him I knew I had to be closer to him and had to spend all the time I could getting closer to this stupid man. All i wanted to do was remain sitting in that chair made for two with him. The whole situation was ridiculous and silly, but I wanted to be near him.

I had bigger problems than just making sure this guy wanted to be around me as well. I had my boy half way across the country. I wish I could keep my mind on only one thing. I blame the internet. It has decentralized everything and made all of us so scatter brained that it is hard to focus on one person.

And that focus that did not exist would only bring more issues into the already complicated situation.

Epic Excursions: The Beginning

If this doesn't show exactly how everything we have ever learned about love and happiness, from fairy tales or stupid blockbuster hits, is complete bullshit then I don't know what will. I've tried to live the average life. The point A to point B to point C and so on type lifestyle and that failed to bring anything all too wonderful so it was up to me to try out some alternative endings.

First of all, I was in love once. It ended with a broken face (not mine), a smashed head (mine),blood on my parents' glass front door, a hooded sweatshirt of a band that had broken up lit up in flames and worst of all a broken heart. Nonetheless, love is not attractive to me. Other things are though; men and sex.

Both of these are dangerous things, especially when mixed together. It's a deadly combination. Nevertheless, dating is a good solution. The biggest problem being the inevitable, I want the man to be more or the man wants me to be more. Without love this isn't hard because it's easy to look the other way. Unfortunately, I am going out into the world with two strikes against me from the start, I am human and I am female.

It gets better...